I’m grateful for all those I’ve come in contact with and those I have yet to cross paths with, everyone brings a lesson with them.
Hi, My name is Richard. For many years of my life I have sat on the sidelines letting life pass me by. Then, in 2015, at 670 pounds with one foot in the grave, I found yoga. I can’t tell you how much that started the process to change my life. My then yoga instructor took a photo of me that went viral. I was on the local news, people magazine did a article on me, all the cool yoga sites had interviews with me, I went on a national TV show, I was even offered my own reality show. I was on top of the world! Something was missing though, I felt empty inside. Nothing had really changed inside of me it was all just a show. One more distraction keeping me from working on the stuff deep down that was the root cause of me getting to be 670 pounds in the first place. I couldn’t handle the spotlight anymore. I started to shut down and withdraw from the world. In the process of all this happening I fell madly in love with my yoga instructor. Which looking back now clearly wasn't true love, it was more like a savior thing. I longed for a woman to love me deeply, so I only saw what I wanted to see. The day I decided I needed to walk away I found a little spark in me. I knew I had made the right decision for me when she called me a coward for trying to walk away the best way I knew how to. I also felt just a touch of caring for myself that I had never really experienced before. Sure, I did things for myself, but not in this manner, not facing that kind of fear. Even though I had that moment, the gravity of it still spun me in a deep and very dark depression. I started going to the gym and worked with a trainer 3 or more times a week. Ahh, this is it I could feel it!! I got my weight down to 498 pounds, the lightest I’ve been since my early 20’s. I had found so much support at the gym. People took notice of how much work I was putting in and I was getting the attention I was longing for. I was doing things I had no Idea my body could do. However, that thing was missing I still felt a level of emptiness that just couldn’t be filled. I wanted someone to save me still! I kept it up at the gym pushing myself way to hard, and eventually injured my shoulder, elbow, and back. I had to stop going tot the gym and again I fell into depression and my weight sky rocketed back up to 650 pounds.
I have always been a person that will give until I have nothing left including emotions and I wanted to experience that from someone. I wanted someone to give me all of them without all the conditional stuff we’ve put around ‘love.’ I’ve never had a partner that I felt loved me unconditionally. A woman here. a woman there, doing whatever we did, but NEVER was it that deep love I’ve longed for. I didn’t want to live anymore, I was done with this life. I didn’t have the guts to try and commit suicide again. I had tried back in 2007, and thankfully I failed at that. I was just going to eat myself to death, seemed logical. Then in the middle of a binge I stopped and reached out to someone I didn’t really know. She is a therapist and I wanted to go to a residential facility and get locked up. Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t get locked up because I doubt I would’ve made it though and I wouldn’t be here now. That was over 2 years ago in 2017. I’ve been going to therapy almost every single week since. I’m down to 502 pounds (9-17-2019) now. I feel somewhat accomplished, but the job isn’t done. I do see a lasting change slowly building. I’m never going to go over 600 pounds again and soon enough I will be saying the same about 500 pounds. Dealing with these issues hasn’t been easy work either. That spark I felt back when I walked away from my yoga instructor, I feel a lot more often now! I don’t feel it every single day, but I feel it more often than not. I still have my days where I think I just can’t take anymore, but I know that those feelings will come and go. I don’t need to hold on to those thoughts so tight anymore.
Letting go is okay, and that is my lesson in life right now.