Richard Widmark Jr

 Hi, My name is Richard. For may years of my life I have sat on the sidelines letting it pass me by. I was 670 and pretty sure I was going to die soon. Then, in 2015, I found yoga. I can’t tell you how much that spurred a change in my life. I was on top of the world. My then yoga instructor took a photo of me that went viral. I was on the local news, people magazine did a article on me, all the cool yoga sites had interviews with me, I went on a national TV show, I was even offered my own reality show. Something was missing though, I felt empty inside still. Nothing had really changed inside of me it was all a show. Just another distraction keeping me from working on the stuff deep down that was the root cause of me getting to be 670 pounds in the first place. I couldn’t handle the spotlight anymore, and in the process of all this happening I fell madly in love with my yoga instructor. That didn’t end really well, I was called a coward and I wen on my merry way. However that day I decided I needed to walk away I found a little spark in me. I felt just a touch of caring for myself that I had never really experienced before. Sure, I did things for myself, but not in this manner, not facing that kind of fear. Even though I had that moment, the gravity of it still spun me in a deep and very dark depression. I started going to the gym and worked with a trainer 3 or more times a week. Ahh, this is it I can feel it!! I got my weight down to 498 pounds, the lightest I’ve been since my early 20’s. I had found so much support at the gym. People took notice of how much work I was putting in. I was doing things I had no Idea my body could do. However, something was still missing. I still felt a level of emptiness that just couldn’t be filled. I wanted someone to save me! I have always been a person that will give until I have nothing left including emotions and I wanted to experience that. I’ve never had a partner that I felt loved me unconditionally. A woman here a woman there, doing whatever we did, but NEVER was it love. Again, I fell into depression and my weight sky rocketed back up to 650 pounds. I didn’t want to live anymore, I was done with this life. I didn’t have the guts to try and commit suicide again. I had tried back in 2007, and thankfully I failed at that. I was just going to eat myself to death, seemed logical. Then in the middle of a binge I stopped and reached out to someone I didn’t really know. She is a therapist and I wanted to go to a residential facility and get locked up. Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t get locked up because I doubt I would’ve made it though and I wouldn’t be here now. That was over 2 years ago in 2017. I’ve been going to therapy almost every single week since. I’m down to 502 pounds (9-17-2019) now. I feel somewhat accomplished, but the job isn’t done. I do see a lasting change though. I’m never going to go over 600 pounds again and soon enough I will be saying the same about 500 pounds. Dealing with these issues hasn’t been easy work either. That spark I felt back when I walked away from my instructor I feel a lot more often now! I don’t feel it every single day, but I feel it more often than not. I still have my days where I think I just can’t take anymore, but I know that those feelings will come and go. I don’t need to hold on to them so tight anymore. Letting go is okay … and that is my lesson in this life.