I figured out yesterday that I can only distract myself so long on dealing with MY life. I run MY life, nobody else. People can question my choices all they want, but they aren't me as I am not them. Sitting in the middle of nowhere I found the answer, that sitting in the middle of nowhere in fact isn't the answer for me. Running away was the best choice this time for a major realization. I am my thoughts, however I don't have to get wrapped up in them. I'm capable of moving on to the very next thought. It's something I've been working with my therapist. I've lived like a victim for way to long. I've looked at the people surrounding me an wanted what they have but I didn't want to work hard enough for it, or I let fear run my life. I now see I don't want what anyone else has, I want what I want as long as it's not coming from a place of fear. My biggest fear with death was, I would never be able to kiss a woman that I truly love. I would often want for that love so bad that I made things up in my head and not pay attention to obvious signs. That's the whole thing. Everything comes from within, there are no external forces that guide my life. My search for 'spiritual' was just a distraction because right now wasn't enough for me. I felt that love has neglected me, instead I was neglecting myself and not accepting of my full potential.
About two weeks ago I decided I needed a major life change. I felt like my world was spinning around and I couldn't grab hold of it. So here I am 5pm getting ready for dinner in the middle of nowhere at a place called Farm of Life.
Today is day 1 here. I haven't done much. Got in the pool for 25 minutes to walk. It felt really amazing for my back!! Oh did I forget to mention I'm kinda scared of getting in pools. Well check that off the list. Speaking of which I had never flown either. Of course I would pick going out the country for my first flight. Haha.
I don't really know what is going to happen over these next 60 days, but I do know this, I'm not going to make an excuse that has no bearing in order to go home. This is the opportunity to make a huge stride in my mental and physical well being. I'm excited and scared at the same time, because I'm way out my comfort zone. However I know I'm my heart that I needed to do this.
Everyone always sees the potential in me, yet I never see it in myself. More about that in another blog, time to eat now.
Hey everyone, I can't believe I haven't posted in over a year!! It's been a difficult year for me at time. My sister died, my nephew moved away, I turned 40, and I was bouncing in an out of depression. Those are no reasons for my halt in progress though. It's been a year and I've only lost 10 pounds. I've gained and lost and gained and lost. It was a pretty vicious cycle over the last year. I still kept up with going to the gym and yoga too. My yoga practice picked up around October and on my birthday I decided I wanted to enroll in a yoga teacher training program. So I did!! The training is 200 hours spread over 9 months. I made the choice for this class because after meeting the owner of the studio I knew it was the right place for me. Yes it's a long course, but it will give me time to work on my practice more.
If you'd like to help by investing in my future as a yoga teacher visit my gofundme at
I will be posting more about the yoga teacher training, my gym workouts, and my diet more. My goal is to post at least one time a week.
See you all in the stars <3
Tomorrow is Monday. It's the day when a lot of people say "I'll start" What are you still waiting for? When will the light bulb go off? Why me? I asked my questions so many times over and over. Last year when I started once again on this journey I wasn't in the right mindset. I just wanted to change, but the real hunger wasn't there. I grew a lot when I was heavily involved in yoga. I started the process of learning what I really wanted. I also let myself get caught up in all the hype. When this facebook page went from 700 likes to over 15,000 in less than a week I was on cloud 9. Not because I wanted to be famous, but because of the amazing support I was receiving and others we getting too. To this day this still rings true.
But something has changed over the last few months ...
I'm becoming a different person, I'm changing. I'm starting to value myself in a way I never have before. I love myself!! I don't need outside forces to make me feel happy. I don't need another person to validate me or my being. Don't get me wrong it's nice to have so much support and love, and I try to do my best to let every single one of you know that. I do value every one of you.
I'm starting to live the life I want to live. If I was capable of jumping on that bike today and starting my ride across america I would. I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm not focused on that only. I'm not concerning myself with how long it's going to take, I'm just focused on the current end goal of losing 400 pounds.
If I get there cool, if not, that's cool too. I know in my heart who I am now. I know the kind of person I want to become. That's worth more than money, and it's bigger than my weight.
All the tears, all the pain, all the heartache, the late nights, the early mornings, the times I said No or Yes, all the blood, the agony, all the times I numbed myself, all the hugs, all the times I shared to much ..... Everything
It was all worth it, because here I am, right here and right now standing before you as the best version of myself.
Sending my love and strength to you all.