I just stumbled upon this video and it's absolutely amazing. I love the movie The Peaceful Warrior, so it makes it that much better.
This kinda goes all over the place so fair warning, haha
This video explains what I'm going through almost word for word. I'm fed up with what I've done to myself, I'm fed up with not being where I want to be. This is a not pity thing, this is; enough is enough. I'm not dead yet, so I will change.
I'm sick and tired of questioning myself. Tired of questioning my feelings, emotions, and choices.
At the end of every day all I see around me is 4 walls. I use to hate these walls. I hated to be alone, at the same time hated myself. No wonder why nobody wants to be with me and comfort my pain, I don't even want to be with me to comfort my pain.
I push people away. I make people hate me, because then I can put the blame on them, because they were not strong enough to hang around until I opened up. Very few people have cracked my shell and once it cracks I'm by their side for life .. Ride or Die.
I know exactly who I am, and I know the person I want to become. That all starts with me destroying the make believe walls I put up when things get tough.
It's kinda crazy that I've opened up more on here than to the people in my present life. It's so much easier to type these things out and not be in that moment face to face.
Again does any of this matter? I have no clue. This is how I feel in the moment, and maybe the next will be different.
All I know is I'm working on me, and for once in my life I'm actually proud of how far I've come in such a short period of time. A big reason for that is my yoga teacher Heather. I've tried my to push you away as much as I could, because I didn't feel worthy of how much kindness and patience you have given me. I was reminded of this once again today. I'm forever grateful for what you helped me achieve.
Words to live by everyday ....
I am worth it. Breathe, I am strong. Breathe, I am capable. Breathe, I'm not what they say, I am what I do. Breathe, I'm okay, and if I'm not, I will be. Breathe