I figured out yesterday that I can only distract myself so long on dealing with MY life. I run MY life, nobody else. People can question my choices all they want, but they aren't me as I am not them. Sitting in the middle of nowhere I found the answer, that sitting in the middle of nowhere in fact isn't the answer for me. Running away was the best choice this time for a major realization. I am my thoughts, however I don't have to get wrapped up in them. I'm capable of moving on to the very next thought. It's something I've been working with my therapist. I've lived like a victim for way to long. I've looked at the people surrounding me an wanted what they have but I didn't want to work hard enough for it, or I let fear run my life. I now see I don't want what anyone else has, I want what I want as long as it's not coming from a place of fear. My biggest fear with death was, I would never be able to kiss a woman that I truly love. I would often want for that love so bad that I made things up in my head and not pay attention to obvious signs. That's the whole thing. Everything comes from within, there are no external forces that guide my life. My search for 'spiritual' was just a distraction because right now wasn't enough for me. I felt that love has neglected me, instead I was neglecting myself and not accepting of my full potential.