Today as I wake up I'm thankful for the chance to make the change in my life, and to become a better version of myself. Yesterday while walking with Heather before yoga, I had some difficulty breathing. That led to a trip to my primary care doctor, which led him sending me to the emergency room for further testing. At first they thought it was a clot, blood test said it wasn't. Then the doctor said the next thing to rule out was heart failure, and walked out the room. Well as you can imagine I thought the worst and started to think about what would happen if it was heart failure. Of course I began to cry. All I could think about was "Richard, you are finally getting what you wanted .... To die"
Well after a hour of being with those thoughts the doctor came in and told me the blood test were fine and it wasn't heart failure.In a weird way I was sad, but relieved. My motivation went out the door a few weeks ago after something happened in my personal life, and I've had a difficult time of fully getting back there. If she said it was my heart, I was thinking that would be the motivation I needed to go balls to the wall and give it my all.
However after riding around a bit thinking about it more, I'm glad my heart is okay. Because you know what? I can give it my all still, it's like a second opportunity, one more chance to make a difference. So, I decided this ... I'm not giving up, I don't need to take it easy, easy has got me to where I am at weight wise, and no more of that shit is needed. If I die it's hopefully going to be on my own terms. If I die in a yoga pose, so be it. If I die slinging some weights around, so be it. I will not allow myself to die because it was too hard, or a bad day.
The whole moral to my story is, every day is a new chance to make changes, hell every moment is that.
I'm getting back my motivation, and I'm going to keep on pushing. That's what warriors do, that's what's survivors do. Today I'm going to open up and share a part of me nobody knows about, it's time to let out so I can let it go. I'm not responsible for what happened when I was a child, and I think the xperience of yesterday helped me realize that. It's these damn stories we tell ourselves that can let us move on from it. We lay blame on ourselves for things that we couldn't control. Today let go of that shit!!
It's time to move on, show up, and GSD!!!!
“No one gets to tell you what your life means!” ― Jess Walter